Paddy's day stories
Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like
he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a
sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised
and he's walking with a limp.
"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.
"Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.
"That little snit, O'Conner," says Sean, "he couldn't
do that to you, he must have had something in his hand."
"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had,
and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."
"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself,
didn't you have something in your hand?"
"That I did," said Paddy. "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and
a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight,"
An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is
driving home from the city one night and, of course,
his car is weaving violently all over the road.
A cop pulls him over. "So," says the cop to the
driver, where have ya been?"
"Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.
"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite
a few to drink this evening."
"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and
folding his arms across his chest, "that a few
intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"
"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute
there, I thought I'd gone deaf,"
Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when
Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.
"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin to tell ya."
"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, ! Tim.
But where's my husband?"
"That's what I'm here to be tellin' ya, Brenda.
"There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..."
"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me."
"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone.
Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"
"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of
Guinness Stout and drowned."
"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim.
"Did he at least go quickly?"
"Well, no Brenda... no. Fact is, he got out three times to pee."
Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his
Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.
He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"
She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news.
My husband passed away last night."
The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me,
Mary, did he have any last requests?"
She s! ays, "That he did, Father..
" The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?
" She says, "He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun...'
This is the last one
A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a
confessional booth, sits down but says nothing.
The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but
the drunk just sits there. Finally, the Priest pounds
three times on the wall.
The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin, there's no
paper on this side either.