The Joke Page                   Joke of the Week Archive 1

Some pictures may offend some people
so don't click anything in this section if you are easily offended
This section is rated PG

my extreme makeover is almost complete and I may be getting my own TV show.
Click here to see the progess

 

Art is Life
A thief in Paris planned to steal some paintings from the Louvre. After carefully planning, he got past security, stole the paintings and made it safely to his van. However, he was captured only two blocks away when his van ran out of gas.
When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied:
"Monsieur, I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh."
 

This has to be one of the most successful singles ads ever run in a newspaper. It is reported to have been listed in the Atlanta Journal and received at least 15,000 responses:

SINGLE BLACK FEMALE seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant. I'm a very good girl who LOVES to play. I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping and fishing trips, cozy winter nights lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. I'll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me. Call (404) 875-6420 and ask for Daisy, I'll be waiting.. Click here for my picture

You want a good laugh! Listen to this mp3 Leaving Something in the Car It takes a little time to load but it's worth it.

Here's a site with lots of jokes all organized by subject http://tcastle.com/jokes.html

We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them?
In an effort to keep you informed, the definition for each is listed below ....
Guts - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"
Balls - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say: "You're next."
Hope this clears up any confusion on the subject.

 

Only in Alberta... This was in the Calgary Sun ... the title of the article was "Best Comeback Line Ever." In summary, the police arrested Ward Branham, a 22-year-old white male, resident of Lethbridge, Alberta, in a pumpkin patch at 11:38 p.m.
on Friday.
Ward will be charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency, and public intoxication at the Calgary courthouse on Monday. The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch he decided to stop.
"You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around there for miles. At least I thought there wasn't," he stated in a phone interview. Ward went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt it was appropriate to his purposes, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged "need."
"I guess I was just really into it, you know?" he commented with evident embarrassment. In the process, Ward apparently failed to notice a police car approaching and was unaware of his audience until officer Brin Taylor approached him. "It was an unusual situation, that's for sure," said officer Taylor. "I walked up to (Ward) and he's...just working away at this pumpkin. " Taylor went on to describe what happened when SHE approached Ward. "I just went up and said, "Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you are screwing a pumpkin?" He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then looked me straight in the face and said, ... "A pumpkin? Damn...is it midnight already?"

A
man and his wife were sitting in the living room and he said to her: "Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state dependent on some machine. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."
His wife got up and unplugged the TV.


H
ow are your eyes? Check them here. How long did it take you to realize what it was? Some people never get it.

Benefits of Aging here and Implants last forever!

Being chubby is really not that bad. Look here.

For all lovers of word play. Here are some groaners (Thanks Janice M for the list)

1. A bicycle can't stand alone because it is two-tired.
2. What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway).
3. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
4. A backward poet writes inverse.
5. In democracy it's your vote that counts; In feudalism, it's your count that votes.
7. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
8. If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
9. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
10. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat minor.
11. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
12. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
13. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
14. You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
15. Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
16. He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
17. Every calendar's days are numbered.
18. A lot of money is tainted. 'Taint yours and 'taint mine.
19. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
20. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
21. A plateau is a high form of flattery.
22. The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison was
a small medium at large.
23. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end
.
 

Name search - If you are a guy or a girl who wears comfortable shoes click here (R-rated, so kiddies, click somewhere else) and follow the instructions on the page.

You're a Redneck When:
1. You let your 14-year old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front ofher kids
2. The Blue book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it
3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws
4. You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night
5. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean
6. Someone in your family died right after saying, "Hey guys, watch this."
7. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader
8. You wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan
9. Your junior prom offered day care
10. You think the last words of the Star-Spangled Banner are "Gentlemen,start your engines."
11. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels
12. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse
13. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge
14. One of your kids was born on a pool table
15. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos
16. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it
17. You think that loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk

Click here for some cool bumper stickers

Drive Thru Teller Machine

A sign in the Bank Lobby reads: "Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through" teller machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts. After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE procedures have been developed. Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender."

MALE PROCEDURE
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.

FEMALE PROCEDURE

1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents onto passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write deposit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand-bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided.
23. Give appropriate one-fingered hand signal to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.

In a small fishing village, a Newfie was walking up the wharf carrying two live lobsters, at least three pounds, one in each hand.
It was three weeks after the season closed! Whom should he meet at the end of the wharf but the Fisheries Officer who, upon viewing the live and wiggling lobsters, says: "Well me Laddie I got you this time -with two live lobsters three weeks after the Season closed!" 
The Newfie says, "No - My Son you are wrong! These are two trained lobsters that I caught two weeks before the season ended."
 The Fisheries Officer says, "Trained like how?"
  "Well my son, each day I takes these two from my house down to the wharf and puts them in the water for a swim. While they swim I sits on the wharf and has me a smoke, or two. After about 15 minutes I whistles and up comes me two Lobsters, and I takes them home!"
 "Likely story", the Fisheries Officer says, "Lets take them on down to the wharf and see if its true."
 So, the Newfoundlander goes ahead of the Fisheries Officer to the end of the Wharf where, under supervision, he gently lowers both Lobsters into the Water. The Newfie sits on a Wharf Piling and lights up a smoke, then another.
  After about 15 minutes the Fisheries Officer says to the Newfie: "How about whistling?"
  The Newfoundlander says "What For?"
  The Fisheries Officer says, "To call in the Lobsters"
  The Newfie says, "What Lobsters?"

This is an actual photo in the classified ads. Someone selling a dining room set. The picture reveals strong evidence that a man is trying to sell this. This will definitely test your powers of observation. If you give up, just move the mouse on top of picture and when the pointer changes to a hand the hint is there. This is a not one of those pictures that jumps out at you. Try it.

Typoglycemia. Believe it or not you can read the next paragraph ... unless you are dyslexic.

I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer inwaht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh? yaeh and I awlyas thought slpeling was ipmorantt

This year, both Groundhog Day and the State of the Union Address fell on the same day.
As Air America Radio pointed out, "It's an ironic juxtaposition: one involves a meaningless ritual in which we look to a creature of little intelligence for prognostication, and the other involves a groundhog."

 

Newfie Flight 101 was flying from St. Johns to Fort McMurray one night, with Russell the Pilot and Glen the co-pilot. As they approached Fort McMurray Airport, they looked out the front window.
"Lord tunderin jeesus" said Russell "Will ye look at how fookin short dat runway is".
"You're not fookin kiddin, Russell" replied Glen.
"Right Glen. When I give de signal, you put de engines in reverse" said Russell.
"Right, I'll be doing dat," replied Glen.
"And den ye put de flaps up straight away," said Russell.
"Right, I'll be doing dat," replied Glen.
"And den ye stamp on dem brakes as hard as ye can," said Russell
"Right, I'll be doing dat," replied Glen.
"And den ye pray to de Mother Mary with all a' your soul," said Russell.
"I be doing dat already," replied Glen.
So they approached the runway with Russell and Glen full of nerves and sweaty palms. As soon as the wheels hit the ground, Glen put the engines in reverse, put the flaps up, stamped on the brakes and prayed to Mother Mary with all of his soul. Amidst roaring engines, squealing of tires and lots of smoke, the plane screeched to a halt centimeters from the end of the runway much to the relief of Russell and Glen and everyone on board.
As they sat in the cockpit regaining their composure, Russell looked out the front window and said to Glen, "Dat has gotta be de shortest fookin
runway I have EVER seen in me whole life."
Glen looked out the side window and replied, "Yeah Russell, but look how fookin wide it is."

 

Women's Ass Size Study

There is a new study out about women and how they feel about their asses.
The results of this study are pretty interesting:
85% of women think their ass is too big...
10% of women think their ass is too little...
The other 5% say that they don't care, they love him, he's a good man, and they would have married him anyway

A man and a woman were driving down the road arguing about his deplorable infidelity. Suddenly the woman reaches over and slices off the man's pecker. Angrily the woman tosses the pecker out the window of the car. Driving behind the car is a fellow in a pickup truck with his 9-year-old daughter chatting away beside him. All of a sudden, the pecker smacks the pickup in the windshield, sticks for a moment, and  then flies off. Surprised, the daughter asks her daddy, "Daddy what the heck was that?" Not wanting to expose his 9-year-old daughter to sex at such a tender age, the father replies, "It was only a bug, honey." The daughter gets a confused look on her face, and after a minute she says, "Sure had a big cock, didn't it?!"

The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, "Johnny!
What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?"
Little Johnny quickly replied, "NBC, CBS, HBO and the CartoonNetwork!"
 

For his birthday, little Patrick asked for a 10-speed bicycle.
His father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $80,000 & your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it."

The next day the father saw little Patrick heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, "Son, where are you going?"

Little Patrick told him, "I was walking past your room last night heard you telling mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with an $80,000 mortgage & no bike!".
 

Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had
terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.
His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, But Bill said he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the
Compulsion on his own.
One day a few weeks later, Bill came home. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.
"What's wrong, Bill?" she asked.
"Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?"
"Oh, Bill, you didn't."
"Yes, I did."
"My! God, Bill, what happened?"
"I got fired."
"No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"
"Oh...she got fired too."
 

SHUT UP!
A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."  The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control t 60,   perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."
Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."
As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?"  
The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did."
As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Darn it, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"
The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine." 
The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket."  The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on.  You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."
And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??" 
The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"
"Only when he's been drinking."

 

NEWFOUNDLANDER AND THE GAY GUY
Cam, a Newfoundlander was having a few beers in his favorite watering hole, and then a short, well dressed and obviously gay man walked in
and sat beside him.  After three or four beers, the gay fellow finally plucked up the courage to say something to the big Newfoundlander.

Leaning over towards Cam, he whispered: "Do you want a blow job?" At this, the massive Newfoundlander leapt up with fire in his eyes and
smacked the gay man in the face, knocking him swiftly off his stool. He proceeded to beat him all the way out of the bar before leaving him
bruised and battered in the parking lot.

Cam returned to his seat and ordered another beer. Amazed, the bartender quickly brought over another beer to the big Newfoundlander.
"Lord tunderin' Jesus, I've never seed you react like dat before," said the bartender. "Just what did he say to you?"

"I don't exactly know," the big Newfoundlander replied, "Something about a job."

 

  • T-Shirt of the week
  • How observant are you? There is something peculiar about this picture. Can you tell? If you can't this one may help.
  • Why men should not take messages
  • Would you rather go to Paris France or Paris Kentucky?
  • Warning Latest scam in the Deux-Montagnes area

  • It's snowing again and I wanted to warn you of this latest scam You should be on the lookout for this pair in case they appear at your house.
    They showed up offering to shovel my driveway for $20. Not ten minutes into the job they were at my door complaining about being cold. They said they wanted to come in to my house and get warm for a while.
    Well, three hours later, they ended up leaving without finishing the driveway. I didn't get anything done around the house because I was afraid to take my eyes off of them. I'm just glad my wife wasn't at home to see me taken in by this 'scam'. I'd never hear the end of it. Don't let this happen to you!
    Fortunately, I took this picture before they left. If these two appear on your doorstep, don't say you weren't warned! Sorry guys I added the tree.
A tour bus driver drives with a bus full of seniors down a highway, when a little old lady taps him on his shoulder. She offers him a handful of almonds, and he gratefully munches down the nuts.
After approx. 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of almonds. She repeats this gesture about eight times. At the ninth time he asks the little old lady why they do not eat the almonds themselves, whereupon she replies that it is not possible because of their old teeth, they are not able to chew them.
"Why do you buy them then?" he asks puzzled.
Where upon the old lady Answers, :
We just love the chocolate around them."

  Who says men don't remember anniversaries 

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in 
their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She 
finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of 
him. 

He appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he 
wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee. "What's the matter, 
dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room... 

"Why are you down here at this time of night?" The husband looks up, "Do 
you remember 25 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" 
he asks solemnly. The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband 
is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do" she replies. The husband pauses... 

The words are not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father 
caught us in the back seat of my car making love?" "Yes, I remember" 
says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him. The husband 
continues... "Do you remember when he shoved a shotgun in my face and 
said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I’ll have sent you to jail for 25 
years?'" 
"I remember that too" 
she replies softly. He wipes another tear from his cheek and says... 
"I’d be getting out today...


Two buddies, Bob and John, are getting very drunk at a bar when suddenly Bob throws up all over himself. "Oh, no. Now my wife will kill me!"
John says, "Don't worry, pal. Just tuck a twenty in your breast pocket and tell your wife that someone threw up on you and gave you  twenty dollars for the dry cleaning bill."
So they stay for another couple of hours and get even drunker. Eventually Bob stumbles home and  his wife starts to give him a bad time. 
"You reek of alcohol and you've puked all over yourself! My God,  you're disgusting!"

Speaking very carefully so as not to slur his words, Bob says,"Nowainaminit, I can e'splain everythin! Itsh snot wha jew think.  I only had a cupla drrrinks. But thiss other guy got ssick on me...he had one too many and he juss koudin hold hizz liquor. He said he was verrry sorry an' gave me twennie bucks in mmy breast ppocket for the cleaning bill!"
His wife looks in the breast pocket and says, "But this is  fortybucks.."
"Oh, yeah... I almos' fergot, he shhhit in my pants, too."
 
Maple LeafVSHabs
 

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