A thief in Paris planned to steal some paintings from the Louvre.
After carefully planning, he got past security, stole the
paintings and made it safely to his van. However, he was
captured only two blocks away when his van ran out of gas.
When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make
such an obvious error, he replied:
"Monsieur, I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh."
has to be one of the most successful singles ads ever run in a
newspaper. It is reported to have been listed in the Atlanta
Journal and received at least 15,000 responses:
SINGLE BLACK FEMALE seeks male companionship, ethnicity
unimportant. I'm a very good girl who LOVES to play. I love long
walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting,
camping and fishing trips, cozy winter nights lying by the fire.
Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. I'll
be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only
what nature gave me. Call (404) 875-6420 and ask for Daisy, I'll
be waiting.. Click here for my
want a good laugh! Listen to this mp3
Leaving Something in the Car It takes a little time to load
but it's worth it.
a site with lots of jokes all organized by subject
all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you
really know the difference between them?
In an effort to keep you informed, the definition for each is
listed below ....
Guts - is arriving home late after a night out with the
guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the
guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying
Balls - is coming home late after a night out with the
guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar,
slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say:
Hope this clears up any confusion on the subject.
in Alberta... This was in the Calgary Sun ... the title of the
article was "Best Comeback Line Ever." In summary, the
police arrested Ward Branham, a 22-year-old white male, resident
of Lethbridge, Alberta, in a pumpkin patch at 11:38 p.m.
Ward will be charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public
indecency, and public intoxication at the Calgary courthouse on
Monday. The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin
patch he decided to stop.
"You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was
no one around there for miles. At least I thought there wasn't,"
he stated in a phone interview. Ward went on to say that he
pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that
he felt it was appropriate to his purposes, cut a hole in it,
and proceeded to satisfy his alleged "need."
"I guess I was just really into it, you know?" he commented with
evident embarrassment. In the process, Ward apparently failed to
notice a police car approaching and was unaware of his audience
until officer Brin Taylor approached him. "It was an unusual
situation, that's for sure," said officer Taylor. "I walked up
to (Ward) and he's...just working away at this pumpkin. " Taylor
went on to describe what happened when SHE approached Ward. "I
just went up and said, "Excuse me sir, but do you realize that
you are screwing a pumpkin?" He froze and was clearly very
surprised that I was there, and then looked me straight in the
face and said, ... "A pumpkin? Damn...is it midnight already?"
man and his wife were sitting in the living room and he said to
her: "Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative
state dependent on some machine. If that ever happens, just pull
His wife got up and unplugged the TV.
are your eyes? Check them here.
How long did it take you to realize what it was? Some people
never get it.
of Aging here and Implants last
chubby is really not that bad. Look
all lovers of word play. Here are some groaners (Thanks Janice M
for the list)
1. A bicycle can't stand alone because it is two-tired.
2. What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway).
3. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
4. A backward poet writes inverse.
5. In democracy it's your vote that counts; In feudalism, it's
your count that votes.
7. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
8. If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
9. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
10. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you
11. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
12. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully
13. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in
14. You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
15. Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
16. He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
17. Every calendar's days are numbered.
18. A lot of money is tainted. 'Taint yours and 'taint mine.
19. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
20. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
21. A plateau is a high form of flattery.
22. The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison was
a small medium at large.
23. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in
search - If
you are a guy or a girl who wears comfortable shoes click
so kiddies, click somewhere else) and follow the instructions on
a Redneck When:
1. You let your 14-year old daughter smoke at the dinner table
in front ofher kids
2. The Blue book value of your truck goes up and down depending
on how much gas is in it
3. You've been married three times and still have the same
4. You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a
5. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean
6. Someone in your family died right after saying, "Hey guys,
7. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader
8. You wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan
9. Your junior prom offered day care
10. You think the last words of the Star-Spangled Banner are
"Gentlemen,start your engines."
11. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded
right off its wheels
12. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your
13. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge
14. One of your kids was born on a pool table
15. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie
at the House of Tattoos
16. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a
law against it
17. You think that loading the dishwasher means getting your
here for some cool bumper
Thru Teller Machine
A sign in the Bank Lobby reads: "Please note that this Bank is
installing new Drive-through" teller machines enabling customers
to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. Customers using
this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined
below when accessing their accounts. After months of careful
research, MALE & FEMALE procedures have been developed. Please
follow the appropriate steps for your gender."
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.
1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window
with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents onto passenger seat to
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its
excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on
the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write deposit amount in check register and place receipt in
back of checkbook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand-bag, locate card holder, and place card into
the slot provided.
23. Give appropriate one-fingered hand signal to irate male
driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.
a small fishing village, a Newfie was walking up the wharf
carrying two live lobsters, at least three pounds, one in each
It was three weeks after the season closed! Whom should he meet
at the end of the wharf but the Fisheries Officer who, upon
viewing the live and wiggling lobsters, says: "Well me Laddie I
got you this time -with two live lobsters three weeks after the
The Newfie says, "No - My Son you are wrong! These are two
trained lobsters that I caught two weeks before the season
The Fisheries Officer says, "Trained like how?"
"Well my son, each day I takes these two from my house down to the wharf
and puts them in the water for a swim. While they swim I sits on
the wharf and has me a smoke, or two. After about 15 minutes I
whistles and up comes me two Lobsters, and I takes them home!"
"Likely story", the Fisheries Officer says, "Lets take them on down to the
wharf and see if its true."
So, the Newfoundlander goes ahead of the Fisheries Officer to the end of
the Wharf where, under supervision, he gently lowers both
Lobsters into the Water. The Newfie sits on a Wharf Piling and
lights up a smoke, then another.
After about 15 minutes the Fisheries Officer says to the Newfie: "How
The Newfoundlander says "What For?"
The Fisheries Officer says, "To call in the Lobsters"
The Newfie says, "What Lobsters?"
is an actual photo in the classified ads. Someone selling a
dining room set. The picture reveals strong evidence that a man
is trying to sell this. This will definitely test your powers of
observation. If you give up, just move the mouse on top of
picture and when the pointer changes to a hand the hint is
there. This is a not one of those pictures that jumps out at
you. Try it.
Believe it or not you can read the next paragraph ... unless you
I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was
rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid aoccdrnig to a
rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer inwaht
oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is
taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset
can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm.
Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by
istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh? yaeh and I awlyas
thought slpeling was ipmorantt
year, both Groundhog Day and the State of the Union Address fell
on the same day.
As Air America Radio pointed out, "It's an ironic juxtaposition:
one involves a meaningless ritual in which we look to a creature
of little intelligence for prognostication, and the other
involves a groundhog."
Flight 101 was flying from St. Johns to Fort McMurray one night,
with Russell the Pilot and Glen the co-pilot. As they approached
Fort McMurray Airport, they looked out the front window.
"Lord tunderin jeesus" said Russell "Will ye look at how fookin
short dat runway is".
"You're not fookin kiddin, Russell" replied Glen.
"Right Glen. When I give de signal, you put de engines in
reverse" said Russell.
"Right, I'll be doing dat," replied Glen.
"And den ye put de flaps up straight away," said Russell.
"Right, I'll be doing dat," replied Glen.
"And den ye stamp on dem brakes as hard as ye can," said Russell
"Right, I'll be doing dat," replied Glen.
"And den ye pray to de Mother Mary with all a' your soul," said
"I be doing dat already," replied Glen.
So they approached the runway with Russell and Glen full of
nerves and sweaty palms. As soon as the wheels hit the ground,
Glen put the engines in reverse, put the flaps up, stamped on
the brakes and prayed to Mother Mary with all of his soul.
Amidst roaring engines, squealing of tires and lots of smoke,
the plane screeched to a halt centimeters from the end of the
runway much to the relief of Russell and Glen and everyone on
As they sat in the cockpit regaining their composure, Russell
looked out the front window and said to Glen, "Dat has gotta be
de shortest fookin
runway I have EVER seen in me whole life."
Glen looked out the side window and replied, "Yeah Russell, but
look how fookin wide it is."
Ass Size Study
There is a new study out about women and how they feel about
The results of this study are pretty interesting:
85% of women think their ass is too big...
10% of women think their ass is too little...
The other 5% say that they don't care, they love him, he's a
good man, and they would have married him anyway
man and a woman were driving down the road arguing about his
deplorable infidelity. Suddenly the woman reaches over and
slices off the man's pecker. Angrily the woman tosses the pecker
out the window of the car. Driving behind the car is a fellow in
a pickup truck with his 9-year-old daughter chatting away beside
him. All of a sudden, the pecker smacks the pickup in the
windshield, sticks for a moment, and then flies off.
Surprised, the daughter asks her daddy, "Daddy what the heck was
that?" Not wanting to expose his 9-year-old daughter to sex at
such a tender age, the father replies, "It was only a bug,
honey." The daughter gets a confused look on her face, and after
a minute she says, "Sure had a big cock, didn't it?!"
math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in
class. She called on him and said, "Johnny!
What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?"
Little Johnny quickly replied, "NBC, CBS, HBO and the
his birthday, little Patrick asked for a 10-speed bicycle.
His father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on
this house is $80,000 & your mother just lost her job. There's
no way we can afford it."
The next day the father saw little Patrick heading out the front
door with a suitcase. So he asked, "Son, where are you going?"
Little Patrick told him, "I was walking past your room last
night heard you telling mom you were pulling out. Then I heard
her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I'll be
damned if I'm staying here by myself with an $80,000 mortgage &
worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a
number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife
that he had
terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the
His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk
about it, But Bill said he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to
Compulsion on his own.
One day a few weeks later, Bill came home. His wife could see at
once that something was seriously wrong.
"What's wrong, Bill?" she asked.
"Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge
to put my penis into the pickle slicer?"
"Oh, Bill, you didn't."
"Yes, I did."
"My! God, Bill, what happened?"
"I got fired."
"No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"
"Oh...she got fired too."
A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, I
clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir." The driver says, "Gee,
officer I had it on cruise control t 60, perhaps your radar
gun needs calibrating."
Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don't be
silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."
As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at
his wife and growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for
The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your
radar detector went off when it did."
As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar
detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through
clenched teeth, "Darn it, woman, can't you keep your mouth
The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not
wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine."
The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but
took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my
license out of my back pocket." The wife says, "Now, dear, you
know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You
never wear your seat belt when you're driving."
And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the
driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT
The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband
always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"
"Only when he's been drinking."